Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
