I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
