ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
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No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
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and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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