I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
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I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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