I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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