so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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