It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
