I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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