I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
