She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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