Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
