Whod you bang
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If I die, sorry about rent.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
