i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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