I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
did i just pee glitter
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
