Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
