you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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