Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Sext me about skeletons
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
