I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
