I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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