I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My feet surprised me
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
