the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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