He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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