Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
