Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
