Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
