I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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