hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
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