i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
