Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
