well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
