Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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