A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
