dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
