It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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