yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Randomize
