Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
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