She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
