omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
