She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
