mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
