I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
did i just pee glitter
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
