she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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