I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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