Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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