my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
