Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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