My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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