i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
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I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
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I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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