i love accidental penises.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
