How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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