Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
