I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
