I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
