the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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