Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
