the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
